Our mind is a complex territory where we are constantly interacting with ourselves. This inner dialogue of ideas and thoughts, which goes on all the time without us noticing, has a very profound impact on our mindset, our emotions and the way we act. But it is not only ideas and thoughts that carry great weight: the words we choose to build this dialogue – mostly without thinking – also have an enormous influence on our self-esteem, our confidence and our overall wellbeing.
The power of the words our mind uses to create this inner dialogue is extraordinary. That is why it is so important that we are able to transform these messages appropriately, so that they take on a positive form and shape our mind to face life in a healthy, satisfying and fulfilling way.
Along these lines, there is a methodology called Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which focuses on understanding and effectively using patterns of thought, communication and behaviour for the person’s wellbeing. NLP is based on the premise that there is a connection between neurological processes (“neuro”), language (“linguistic”) and behavioural patterns learnt through experience (“programming”), and that these can be changed to achieve specific goals in a person’s life.
In other words, it is built on the idea that it is possible to change the way we think and feel by improving the way we communicate with ourselves and with others.
Transform your inner dialogue
Turning negative inner dialogue into positive dialogue is neither simple nor something that happens overnight. It is a process that requires reflection and a great deal of practice.
Below are some steps you can follow to help you achieve it:
Full awareness of your self-talk: First of all, pay attention to how you talk to yourself and identify your own automatic negative or demeaning messages. Think of realistic, challenging situations – situations in which you didn’t achieve what you set out to do or in which you feel you failed – and identify the negative self-critical patterns that could be affecting your mindset.
Example 1) “You’ve messed it up again, as always.” 2) “I bet you’ll forget something, it always happens to you.” 3) “I won’t manage it, I never get what I want.”
Remember that this can also happen in situations where you did succeed or achieved what you set out to do.
Example 1) “It went well, but it was just luck.” 2) “I did it, but only because I had a lot of help.” 3) “I made a good contribution, but it’s not that important for the project anyway.”
Reframing: Reframing is a very characteristic NLP technique. It involves swapping your perception of a negative situation for a point of view that looks for the usefulness or opportunity in it, so that you can get something positive out of it.
Example) Two shoe salesmen arrive in a country where nobody wears shoes. The first sees this as something negative, telling himself he won’t sell a thing. The second sees a great opportunity for the very same reason: from his point of view, arriving in this country represents a huge business opportunity that nobody has taken advantage of so far.
Ask yourself powerful questions: Once you identify the negative messages, work on replacing messages of blame and frustration with questions that help you focus on solutions and possibilities instead of problems. It is not about adopting a stance of false optimism, but one of intelligent optimism, with plausible, realistic and achievable questions and answers.
Example 1) Swap “why do I never manage it?” for “where am I going wrong and how can I improve it?”. 2) Swap “why does this always happen to me?” for “what can I learn from this situation?”.
Talk to yourself as you would to a good friend: It is very likely that you would never say many of the inner messages you tell yourself in the same way to someone else you care about. Imagine you are supporting a good friend in a situation similar to the one you are in now. What words of encouragement or support would you offer them? How would you help them see the situation objectively? Now try to speak to yourself with the same calm and compassion.
Many people tend to punish themselves very often, yet never reinforce the things they do well. This attitude leads them to focus only on the negative, so that their view becomes distorted and unrealistic, as well as leading them into situations of distress caused by their own self-talk.
Encourage self-compassion: Self-criticism is fine when it helps us keep learning and improving, but when it becomes excessive, we run the risk of crossing the line between constructive and destructive. If this happens, your self-critical dialogue will only serve to punish you and cause distress, making it harder and harder to keep moving towards your goals.
If you have this tendency, instead of being excessively critical of yourself, try to practise self-compassion. Recognise that we all make mistakes and that we all have areas where we can grow and improve. Treat yourself with kindness and acceptance to encourage this growth, and don’t blame your past “self” for not knowing everything you know now. It is normal for this not to come naturally if you haven’t done it before, which is why it is important to start doing it as a conscious exercise until this way of speaking settles naturally into your inner dialogue.
Positive visualisation: Visualise the scenarios you will face in order to imagine success and overcoming the challenges you are about to take on. Create mental images of yourself handling situations successfully and confidently. This way, your mind prepares itself for these scenarios. Visualisation makes the path towards what we want to achieve much easier, because we have already travelled it in a similar way in our heads.
Changing submodalities: When you interpret a message as punishing or intimidating, try changing the characteristics of the voice in which you hear it. Imagine its tone is higher or lower, that it comes from a different direction, or that its volume fades until it becomes a whisper. These small changes can significantly reduce the emotional impact of the negative thoughts associated with that message.
Example) When you receive a WhatsApp message that upsets you, try reading it aloud while changing the tone of voice, the volume or the direction of the message.
Go through your own therapeutic process: As you read this article, you may identify with some unhelpful or negative beliefs or inner dialogues about yourself. In fact, all of us carry thoughts, beliefs and narratives that we have built up from our life experiences, which have a huge influence on the way we think, feel and act, and which we are not even aware of. It is normal for some of these inner dialogues to be so deeply rooted that we consider them completely normal (they have been with us for many years), and so we overlook them without recognising how they affect us. Gaining this self-knowledge, which we cannot reach on our own, is more than enough reason to start a therapeutic process.
It is also worth bearing in mind that, once these forms of dialogue and these intrusive, negative thoughts have been identified, changing them is not usually easy. Therapy will help us identify our resistance to change, see where we get stuck, map out different paths and approaches, and so on.
Starting your own therapeutic process to improve your inner dialogue is well worth it.
